World Behind My Wall Part 4

Finally. Sorry I suck at continuing stories Marissa. And spelling for that matter.

{Bill's POV}



"Marissa was just so embarassed about what happened a week ago. Still. Just because her freind flipped shit over nothing really doesn't mean she should be so ashamed. Personally I'm proud. Is it really that wrong to be happy I had sex with the girl I love? Really, really good sex." He felt bad reanting to his brother about his relationship with Rissa but hey, he asked what was the matter with him. He'd been so overly interestind in their matters as of late.

"I'm sure she'll come around eventually. From what I hear she sounds like a wonderful girl. Plus, you two really seem to love each otehr so..." Bill looked at his twin brother questioningly. What made him so concerned? He never cared this much. In fact, the two brothers never really talked about their relationships at all. Not even when Tom's girlfriend Petra left him for another man. It was a pretty untouched subject since Tom had gotten so depressed about the matter. Bill still worries about him from time to time. He just wanted for his brother to be happy and to move on.

"Tom listen..." Bill started hopign he wasn't diving too far into things. "Are you okay talkign about this? I mean I know you've felt very hurt since Petra left you. But you did cheat on her. I'm not saying that it exuses her infidelity or hurting you, just that both parties are guilty. And plus, it was like three years ago and you still haven't dated anyone else. I can tell you have issues with me finally having a loving girlfriend too. I just. I don't want any of this to come between us."
"Well, I think it's nice of you to be concerned for me and all, but seriously... I'm fine with you having a girlfriend and I'm so glad you do." Bill searched for sarcasm in his voice. Not sure if his brother was being sincere or not. "Before you met Marissa, you moped around every day with what seemed like little purpose in life. And now you practically act like a fucking balarina, dancing around all the time. She saved you man." Tom gave Bill a weak smile to encourage his brother's acceptance to his words.
"Thanks Tom. Sorry I uh, questioned you like that." The two brothers smiled at each other. They were both so close, and girls had strained their relationships before. But Bill was determined to never let that happen again.
"Well I gotta go do this shit. I'm sick of them not talking. Really. Damn girl drama." Bill said standing up and fumbling around with the keys to his car.
"Yeah, whatever." said Tom walking off to his bedroom to do whatever really. Bill headed up to the stairs and out the door. He took his time walking across the front lawn to his broken down lumina. "Jumbie" he and Marissa joked about the name of the car. They both loved Jumbie though she was so old and rusted and if you didn't hold the ignition for just the right amount of time you needed to jump her. He walked around to the drivers side door and yanked the hot metal handle open. Plopping down into the overstuffed seat, he stretched his legs out, took a deep relaxing breath and placed the key in the ignition. On his way over to pick Marissa up, Bill prepared himself for what he was going to do. She probably wouldn't be too happy with him at first. But, it was for the best. He just couldn't stand to see her unhappy in any way. That's why he was planning to 80's sitcom this shit and get the girls back to being friends again. Then Marissa would be less stressed and Bill could rest easy again knowing that his girl could too.

"MEINE LEIBE!!!" Bill watched as Marissa rushed over to him. She hugged him and leaning up on her tip toes, reached for a kiss. Bill smiled and leaned forward and gave her a sweet kiss. Embracing her tightly, he enjoyed her perfume. It was like being in a field of orchids. Being the romantic that he was, he couldn't get enough that heavenly auroma.

"Hallo schones" (supposed to have an umlaut on it.) He said stroking her hair. He admired how her German had been improving. It was amazing having her speak his language to him. Just as cute as he knew she thought his speaking english incorrectly and improving was.
"What do you want to do today?" Asked Marissa excitedly and Bill felt guilty about his plan now. He usually took Marissa somewhere romantic and they had the best times, but today something needed to be sorted out.
"Well. I was thinking we could go out to eat. How does that sound?" Marissa nodded in agreement. Bill grabbed her hand and lead her out the doorway. "Awesome. Shall I just surprise you?"
"Of course Bill." She smiled sweetly up at him following him eagerly out of the door.


Marissa's laughter filled Bills car all the way to the resturaunt he had told Steafene to meet them and continued to fill every crevice inside the tiny "lincoln log" building. He hated to end the sound of her joy but he felt that at least small warning might be best.
"Marissa. Please don't hate me."
"Hmm? Why would I hate you?" He watched her head on a swivel, scanning the room. She stopped at a table, her mouth slightly ajar. Sitting there at a round table in the back was Steafene with her head hung twideling her thumbs.
"Bill! How could you even. You know I'm upset still. I don't want to talk to her!" She said pleadingly with not so subtle hints of anger in her voice. He frowned when she pulled her hands up to her temples, trying to rub away the instant headache she felt.
"Please Marissa. Just talk to her. I'll be here if you need me to be. She's sorry and says that she wants to apologize for what she did." He hugged her comfortingly trying to pull the negativity from her, starting to regret this entire idea.
"Will you just giver her five minutes? Please?" He looked into her eyes pleading for her to just try. It was worth it.
"Fine." She sighed heavily. "Five minutes. But then we're leaving. I'm serious." Marissa hastily walked over to the table where Steafene sat, arms crossed and deadly look on her face.
Bill had become quite intimidated very quickly. Hopefully this would go well. He thanked God in his head quickly for giving him long legs. If a fight broke out bad enough that he couldn't stop, at least he could get away from the line of fire as fast as possible.

Second Wind

Okay it really really has been such a long time since I've written in this blog. I say that alot haha. Babysat my nephew this weekend :) He's adorable. And he refuses to stop asking about Laura haha. I swear he's in love with her. News flash. She's too old for you!!! That's a bit of an old photograph but whatever. The red was pretty sweet. I'm still not used to lighter hair yet and whenever I get around to bleaching it again I'm gonna have to get used to an even brighter colour haha. Let's not even talk about how weird the pink will be.

Spring break was great fun... But It's kinda bittersweet trying to enjoy my time tonight knowing I have to go back to the hell hole tomorrow. I'll probably just lose track of time like always and go to bed so late that I won't even feel like I'm there tomorrow haha. Fortunately I accomplished a few things that I had wanted to do over break. Like reading some really good books and getting to write a little bit. I met with a couple counselors from LCC and Protege academy. The guy from LCC gave me about a novel worth of boring papers to read over. Joy. It's' the most intimidating stack of pamphelets I've ever gotten in a short period of time. The administor at Protege was extremely nice and welcoming. This was the longest I think I've ever spent in a salon or a salon related building. Regardless of tuition cost (which would be painful no matter what you do after high school) I'm probably going there after ELHS. It looks like way too much fun, it wouldn't even feel like work or school it'd just be getting up to do something fun and creative everyday. It's a super relaxed enviorment and they have a great orginization system so you easily track how far you are in the education and what you need to complete before taking your test. Which is surprisingly only 35 dollars to pay for your licence and the same price every two years when you need to renew it. It's nice to feel like I have some sort of a plan for once. Goals, even such distant but not ones are comforting in a way. At least Helina and I are going to figure out some dates for band practice which will distract us from our dreary dismal schooling. It's been so long since we've had a band practice of any way shape or form and my guitars are itching to be played. It sucks how little creativity and time I've had for music lately, perhaps passion shouldn't be ignored?

Apparently slasher films are still good when you almost passed out the same day cause Laura was over thursday and probably about 6 hours after both my Dad and I gave blood we decided to watch SAW's 6 and then one to compare the differences between the two and see how the movies have grown. The difference is really quite amazing. You never notice it until watching the first and last back to back like that since the change was so steady over the "thousands" of the saw movies. I guess watching other people lose all of their blood makes you realize that one pint, really isnt all that much compared to ten. And an iv truly is better than sticking your hand into a tiny hole with a rotary saw inside. Thank god serial killers don't run charity events. :)

World Behind My Wall part 3 wow, i have never written anything more than provocative....

"I'm glad you came today Marissa."










I squeezed his hand a little tighter. Sighing lightly I moved from from my damp patch of yellow-green grass rolling over. The muscles in his stomach clenched for a moment, not expecting my head and arm around it. They relaxed and he pulled his arms around my back and held me close breathing deeply.










"Me too."










I couldn't help but smile. Bill hadn't seemed such a romantic that I've found he was. He had called just yesterday when I was about to give up on him --though my day dreams weren't as willing --telling me to meet him in the park. I strategically planned out a nice outfit making me look amazing if I do say so myself. I walked through the park a bit, without finding him. But a classic red picnic blanket caught my eye. I spun around to my right and there he was. Setting up plates and pulling a plethera of food from a basket. Far too much food for soley two people. He gave me a nervous smile. I waved to him in reply and made my way over to him. I couldn't help but wonder how many american ramnces he had to watch before coming up with this idea. It was truly the most sappy date I'd ever been on. And I..... Loved it. Truly such a nice change from all these football players trying to play me. This was different. This was sincere. Like he said to me, "Ich leibe dies." (I love this). Well, that just makes one more thing that we had in common. Eventually I fell back into the field looking up and watching the clouds float by. I was stuffed from too many servings of cheese and crackers. He lie down next to me doing the sane AND appreciating it. We chatted dreamily about our favourite bands and about how his brother and he had started a band. They hoped to go on tour someday. I hadn't exactly decided that I wanted to be a musician but I had decided that if life boiled down to my simple desire for singing I would love to tour.









"Well, um if you like music, maybe you could come to our band practice this friday?"









Well, that sounds really fun of course. Just I don't know if I could get away with that one. I mean I'm not even supposed to be here with you right now remember?"



















See, when I told my parents my plans with Mr. Bill Kaulitz I got a lifeling lecture about things that were suitable for me. Like I had expected, they were not thirlled that I had a date with a German waiter. Steafene created the genious plan. I was staying the night at her house tonight. Her mom was in favour of my date so she confirmed our "plans" to my mom. The past two days all taht I've really learned is that the people I surround myself with watch far too many movies. I looked over at Bill. His lips, eyes and eyebrows were composed into the most pitiful puppy-dog face I'd ever seen.









"Pwease?"









"Haha! awh!" I rolled so that my body lay half over his and hugged him tightly.









"Turn that frown upside down mister! be happy Bill.... please? I'll try and come to your band practice I promiss!"









He just chuckled and hugged me back.









"I know I've said this about 20 times, but I am really glad you came today Marissa." He didn't loosen hsi grip.









"Me too." Pure butterflies. I had absolutly fallen for him. And fast.



















--------------------------









*Later that night*



















"Tell me all about it!!!" She screeched full volume in my face throwing the door open and pulling my arm visciously towards he room. She ran and jumped on her bed pulling me down next to her, eyes wide with anticipation.









"Steaf, calm down will you please?"









"I can't calm down! You went on a date with a very attractive German boy!"









I almost fell over. Everytime I thought about my far too perfectrandezevous I felt faint. It didn't even feel real to me.









"Did I?" Wow, I was dazed.









"uh, yeah you did... But what you haven't yet done is tell me what happened on your date with the attractive German boy!" She was frustrated with my dizzyness but also amused at teh same time.









"Bill, you mean..."









"Yeah, that's waht I said, RISSA! Tell me what happened!!!"









"Girl... Fill in the blanks. It was a date. What happens on dates? We had food, and we talked. That's it." I smiled at her knowingly. I wasn't going to give in. She just sighed and sat next to me claiming defeat for now.









"Fine. If you're not going to tell me now, then I'll get it out of you later..."









I laughed at ehr threat unphased because I knew there was no real bitterness in her about it.









We spent the rest of the night talking about boys and watching movies. Go traditionals sleepovers!









"Now, that's the kind of boy I want to marry right there!" She said pointing at the male character on teh screen wooing Mandy Moore.









"I can see why he likes this movie" I said mockingly towards her. There was a new student in our school whom she had a bit of a crush on named Bill. (Ironic I know.) But she somehow weasled it out of him that "A Walk to Remeber" is his favourite movie. I kept trying to encourage that she ask him out because then we could double date or something. The thought made me smile. I got butterflies once more that day.









"You need to ask him out Steaf. Please? It'd be good for you..."









"I just don't think I can... After Erik... Well you know. I'm having trouble trusting many other people. Especially boys that make me feel so... infatuated."









"I know, but just because one boy lied to you don't hold it against another that could make you happy." I wanted so badly for her to forget about him. Erik was a friend of mine that I introduced to her. He was so perfect at first, especially for her. But then they became drinkers together. He wasn't the nicest person and he even cheated on her. But they were both drinking so heavily to self medicate it made the whole thing so much worse. Now I don't talk to him hardly ever and I'm still trying to get her to stop drinking. A few tears started to fall down her face. I hated how he still affected our lives like this. A fun evening turned dark once again.









"I'll go kick his ass again Steaf it'll be fine."





























----------------------









*Weeks later*



















"I'm sorry. I don't know how this happened." Bill said apologetically looking around at the large mass of people crammed into his house. Somehow one of the guys called some of his friends to come out after their practice and things just kinda got out of hand. Steaf was there but I had no idea where she was.









Bill noticed I was acting kinda frantic. Half listening to what he was saying. I'd become such a mother to that girl I swear.









"You can stop looking around for her. I'm sure she's fine. It's a party, loosen up a bit."









"Yeah, I guess your right."









"Why wouldn't I be? Aren't I always right?"









"Oh really? Ok mister smarty pants. What am I thinking about right now?"









"You have to concentrate on it really hard, and I'll get it." I closed my eyes and focused really hard on about ten different things at once. Just to throw him off in the off chance that he could truly read my mind. I felt the heat of his breath on my face for a split second before his lips were touching mine ever so softly. I couldn't help but smile. He really could read my mind. I felt his arms slide around my back and pulle me in tightly. It wasn't enough. I slid my tounge towards his without a complaint from him. Within seconds everything progressed intensly. I didn't realize how heavy our breathing was until a sound sadly interrupted us.









"Ahem..." It was Bill's brother Tom standing akwardly not knowing what to do half looking away.









"Tom, not... not cool. What is it?" Bill said rather impatiently unwraping his arms leaving me chilled and quite light headed. He turned to his side and put his arm around my waist.








"Well, I just thougth that you should know... your friend is leaving with some guy. She seemed pretty trashed."








"Fuck really?" Bill and I ran outside just intime to see Her get in the passenger side of a car and drive off.








"Fuck! Tom. Did you see who it was?"








"No, sorry I coudln't see his face and I didn't recognize him from anywhere."








"Hey, I can take you home early and you can go to her house to wait for her. Maybe she just got tired and got a ride home." Bill offered trying to calm me down.








"Yeah, lets hope at least..." Bill was nice enough to drive me to Steafene's house, my second home so that I could check up on her or at least wait for her to get home safe. She wasn't there so I just let myself in. Normally Bill would have just driven home like a gentlemen but he apparently really needed to "use the little boys room". I went up to Steaf's room and sat on her bed and tried calling her phone a few times. But she never picked up so I left her a voicmail so that she wouldn't be alarmed to see me at her house.

I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder and sit next to me. I shifted adjusting to the new state of the bed with fresh weight on it. I turned and Bill was smiling sweetly at me. I returned the gesture. I was overwhelmer with how overly cute my boyfriend was that I couldn't help but kiss him. He was teasing me like a bitch. He chuckled at my frustration.

"You asshole!" I said jokingly and pushed him. "I will win this..." I tackled him to the bed forcing my mouth on his. I cycled my kissing from his mouth, to his jaw, to his neck. I could feel myself starting to lose control quickly. I'd wanted him for a while now and he was my boyfriend I should be able to be physical just for one night right? I leaned up and ripped my shirt off and crashed back down to him.

"Woah, babe..."

I cleared my throat and spoke directly into his ear, "Yes?" I went back to my trail of kisses on his skin.

"Well, um, don't you want to think about this for a second? You don't think you're moving things too fast? I thought girls were usually pretty reserved about this sort of thing...."

"What's there to think about? I want you, I know you want me..."

"Yeah, but it's been-"

"Will you stop talking?" And he did. He also stopped resisting and let his body do all the talking. Our mouths were lost in each others'. He ran his fingers through my hair and down my back feeling the contuers and heat. The remaining cloathes carefully peeled off of our bodies. When he realized that this was really happening his aggressive nature showed through with no regrets. He lifted me up and tossed me to the opposite side of the bed and climbed on top of me. He grabbed my waist tightly and forced his way through without hesitating. Instant euphoria. His fingers traced my skin as he rocked back and forth making me whimper quietly. He leaned down and held me tighter pushing deeper. I could feel him bite my neck gently, the vibrations of his moaning reverberated off my chest. I tried to hold in my moans incase someone happened to be in the hosue but couldn't control it. His rythm was making me go crazy. His silky black hair was moving back and forth like a fan from my heavy breathing.

"Bill... oh yes!" He pushed through deeper.

"Marissa." He said sweetly into my ear. He pushed in harder. The blood rushed away from my head quickly and the pleasure intensified. He groaned thrusting as fast as his body would allow him. I peaked screaming and dug my nails into his back, shuttering. It was absolutly insane.

He pulled out and fell back trying to catch his breath and pulled his hair back out of his eyes. He looked at me and smiled.

"Today couldn't have gotten any better."

"No. It really couldn't have."

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*The next morning*

The sound of the squeaky door handle woke me up early. The sun was in my eyes and the shadow of someone in the way of the yellow rays headed towards my face caught my attention.

"In my bed?!?! REALLY?!" She screeched angrily. Bill woke gasping and I popped my eyes open. Steafene was standing at the foot of the bed with her red hair tossed messily in her face but somehow it still looked good. She looked exhausted with bags under her eyes which were all red. It looked like she had been crying a good portion of the night. There was a brunette boy standing in the doorway holding her heels not knowing what to do with himself. He looked like he was about to flee from the akward situation at any second.

"Wait, you went with Bill last night? That's who you left with from the party?!" I finally recognized him from our English class 6th period as the boy she had a crush on.

"I went with Bill last night?! You and Bill fucked last night in my bed!" She crossed her arms and was glaring at the two of us disgusted but there was a hint of pride in there for me.

"Um... I was at my house last night." William said in almost a whisper. He looked like he wished he hadn't spoken after he did.

"Name's Bill... Hey." Bill said to William to clear his confusion after Steafene and I said nothing.

"Oh. Ok... well Steaf, if you don't mind. I'm gonna go wait on the couch since this doesn't really involve, me." He backed out of the door not waiting for a reply of approval from anyone. He was probably so glad to leave. If I wasn't but ass naked I would've followed him out there.

"I can't belive you... Why are you even here?"

"Well... If you must know your drunken ass went off last night to whore about with some boy you just met and I was worried so I came back here an-"

"And had sex in my bed... You're missing the point. You know I'm a germaphobe! I can barely fuck in my bed comftorably!"

"Steaf, I really am sorry things just happened. But maybe if you stopped drinking this shit wouldn't happen."

"Listen, you don't even know what happened last night. I didn't "whore about" with William. He's a nice guy who actually wanted to make sure I was safe for once. He's one person I know who didn't take advantage of a crying girl who was completely wasted because she's fucking miserable must I add? Just... Get dressed and get out. Now I need to clean before I can even go to bed which I desperately need. Thank you for that." She just pointed at the door and stared at us hard.

"Fine. Were gone. Sorry." Finally Bill spoke up looking for some sort of closure. She stormed out of the room muttering what sounded like a list of cleaning supplies to herself. We composed ourselved enough to be presented in public and headed downstairs feeling guilty. She was just sitting on the couch flipping through the tv channels angrily barely even looking at what was on. William was sitting on the another couch a few feet away from her looking scared still. He caught my eye than quickly looked away.

"Bye Rissa. I love you, but don't call me for a while." I didn't reply. "Bye!"

All I could do was walk out the door and hope that she calmed down. It was a very long drive home.

World behind my wall part 2.

The walk home from the restaurant was awful, but it was absolutely relieving to be back home. I took a very hot shower to relax a bit and wash off the strong smell of cologne. Truly, I was just glad that I was home, and safe. No thanks to my "courteous" date of the night. My dad pretty much just assumed that the reason tonight was such a disaster was something that I did wrong and he probably wasn't such a terrible boy, but again he was off just a few facts. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes carefully traced every contour of my face. I was so proud of my beautiful mocha brown skin. It's one of the many things that separated me from the tiny world of Barrington I lived in. So peculiar, such a quiet "respected" neighborhood being the suburb of Chicago. Which, as we all know is a larger city and simply just not... quaint. Chicago produced criminals of all variety, fashion designers, artists and.... of course musicians. But what the well off suburbs of Chicago produced were awkward families. These families grew up to produce awkward sons and daughters as well as awkward girls named Marissa. Helloooo life. I changed into some rather comfortable boxer shorts and a tank top to match and hopped into my twin bed. It was a long process as always moving the plethora of stuffed teddy bears and pillows off of my mattress and onto my floor. My parents attempted to spoil me. Just another result of being an only child. One, perfect, planned, daughter... I sighed and closed my eyes ready to escape the day. I was fed up with putting up with... well everything. Just because I came from a privileged home, doesn't mean I don't suffer as much as any. Money had softened my spirit as well as my coping and communication skills. I tried to push the negative thoughts away and happily drifted to sleep. Far too peaceful in the unconscious state.

The next morning, I awoke to vicious thunder gashing my eardrums wide open. I gasped and sat up startled and then scoffed looking out my window, angry that I lost sleep over some common force of nature. I turned and fell back onto my pillow and mattress, bouncing from the force of my enthusiasm to fall back asleep. I had just fully settled into my pillow, thinking about whatever pleasant fictional thoughts would come when they were terribly disrupted.
"Marissa, Breakfast is ready sweetie."
Always so bubbly and excited easily. This was my mother's voice floating up the steps to my room. I opened my door. Five steps right, 22 steps down, 7 steps left and then straight ten steps to my seat at the family dining table. My mother was busy away in the kitchen finishing up her light and fluffy pancakes. There was already a porcelain white plate in front of me when I sat down. Steaming scrambled eggs, Bacon and biscuits with gravy patiently waiting for my mouth to savour their tenderness. My mouth was just as eager. It'd been almost a day since I'd eaten. I looked across the table at my father, eyebrows furrowed, buried in that mornings paper. My mother hurried over with the pan of pancakes. Her heals were clicking as she made her way over.
"Good Morning." She smiled at me exuberantly with her radiant white teeth. She already had a fresh coat of burgundy lipstick, mascara and tan eye shadow on. She was wearing a billowing black dress and pears. Her wedding ring glistened in the kitchen light. I glanced over at the clock on the oven.... It was just past 8 in the morning. My family was a football player away from being rather picture perfect. Absolutely disgusting.
"Morning." I replied rather half hearted. She hugged me, almost burning me with the frying pan. She served everyone pancakes and then sat down. She attempted to make some conversation but truly lost my participation when the subject of last night came up. She was the only one who really made an attempt to fix what was really left of the contents of our abode. She usually lost but it was just more natural this way. She gave up for today after my stand-offish responses made her retreat to making conversation about the economy with my father. As if their wallets were affected at all. Ugh. I just couldn't take anymore so I got up to leave but my father stopped me.
"And just where do you think you're going little lady?"
"I was going to go to my room."
"Well, unfortunately you are grounded."
WHAT?! Grounded, what'd I do?"
"You were late for curfew last night. Don't think I forgot. And your mother and I were going out into the town today, but we don't want to leave you here alone so you're coming with us."
"But, I was only late because the date you set me up with last night was a total cretin! I shouldn't even be grounded in the first place. Plus it's storming outside, I just wanna go back to bed. I'm not going to get into much trouble when I'm asleep."
"Nice try, but you're going. Now go upstairs and get ready. We're leaving soon."

They won. All the perfect logic, and expressing in the world I could do, did nothing to convince them of my innocence. So here I was, walking through aisles of fabric stores, nick knacks, frilly dresses, and of course.... beloved stores for the rich folks to better their interiors. Wonderful. Minutes slowly turned to hours and just when I thought they'd never tire of looking at the same old brocade patters and debating about weather the couches were made of real or fake leather, my mother voiced that she had once more grown hungry. The three of us piled into our car and went on the hunt for a restaurant. I stared out of the window, putting my body somewhere else than this re-upholstered nightmare. Too bad my phone was taken from me, or maybe I'd be able to secretly text my friends from the backseat without my parents caring too much about how there I really was. The car turned a few times and then came to a stop as did the quiet chatter between my parents. I looked up and my heart stopped. We were at the exact same restaurant that I was at last night. I sighed and unlatched my seat belt and hopped out of the car trudging along beside my mother.
"Are you doing alright? I hope last night wasn't as bad as it looked."
"Dad, I already told you... I don't have a problem with the world, it's the world that has a problem with me."
"What?" came my fathers voice from across the table.
I looked up at his extremely confused face.
"So did it turn out better?" I turned and looked to see the same waiter from last night with the scribbled name that read "Bill". Perhaps it was the atmosphere of last night but I truly didn't' realize how beautiful he was. And he had some kind of subtle accent.
"Um. I... yeah." Making a fool of myself. I wish I could just never come to conclusions. "After I got home everything seemed to relax a ton."
"I'm glad. I like happy endings and I guess that was yours." He gave me a sincere smile then turned to face my parents.
"My name is Bill, and I will be your server tonight. Is there anything I can get for you folks to start off with?"
Throughout the rest of the sit down I spent my time not focusing on my food but looking out of the corner of my eye looking for bill. For some reason my hungry eyes couldn't get a good enough look at him. He didn't return for quite sometime so I figured that I could risk a quick trip to the bathroom. I bumped unexpectedly into something on my way out of the bathroom doorway.
"Oh excuse me, I'm not that good at evasive action to objects that appear out of nowhere." Another cute crooked smile.
"That's alright, it was my fault anyway." I tried to laugh as casually as possible.
"You know, you really shouldn't be in relationships with people who abandon you so readily. I feel rude prying but... it just seems I should."
"Well, thanks for the concern but I'm not stupid enough to be dating that prick!."
"Is this an insulting word? You'll have to excuse some of my ignorant questions, I'm not from around here exactly."
"Oh yeah, it's not exactly a nice word to call someone, but he fits the description rather well. Where are you from exactly? I noticed you had an accent. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. I'm just fascinated by speech."
"Well, my family is from Germany actually. But I'm doing a student exchange program right now with my twin brother."
"Ah very cool. That sounds very interesting. My friends is pretty good at German, I bet you two would get along."
"Well, actually. I don't know how boys act in America --though hopefully not like the guy you were with last night-- but, I think I'd like to get to know you better. That is if you are compliant. I guess... I'm asking for your number?"
He asked very shyly, saying the last few words like a true question. I stopped and stared for a few moments before I realized what was happening.
"Oh! yeah, just my dad took my phone away but I'll have back in a few days anyway."
I said it much more confidently than I thought it would've been. We exchanged numbers quickly, having forgotten about how long I'd been "in the bathroom".
"Schonen. Danke! oh oops. German sorry..." he looked rather apologetic.
"haha, it's ok. Bitte, right?"
"Ja, sehr gut...."
"Marissa. I'll see you around Bill. Tschus!


God I loved Steafene for her German lessons right now.



That night, I dreamed that I traveled to Germany with Steafene. There were two buildings on a platform, both extremely inviting. Steafene was there telling me that we could only choose one ancient castle to roam. In the doorway of the one on the right was Bill. He looked ravishing, like he was from another time all together. I started to walk towards him, craving that rushing heartbeat he gave me. But out of the corner of my eye, something about the grandeur of the castle on the left spoke to me. I stood in the middle of the two buildings, not knowing what to do. Steafene shook her head in disapproval of my inability to make a decision and turned. As she walked away from me down the cobblestone, I started to spin. My head felt heavy as gravity pulled upward and then the blackness hit before the poorly paved road did. And then I fell up, into consciousness.

World behind my wall part one.

"Sie war meine Freundin Tom." "Ich liebe sie, ist es nicht deine Job, um mich, Ihren Bruder zu respektieren?!?!" ("She was my girlfriend Tom." "I love her. Is it not your job to respect me, your brother?")

Everything, absolutely everything was boiling down to this one moment in my long-lived life at such a young age of 16. This one decision that could make me so happy turned out to be the hardest thing I had experienced. I thought it would've been so easy in the beginning and I wouldn't have had to think twice about it, but now my thoughts were at an official stand still. I look back and forth between their two faces. Their expressions told me that I hadn't long to defeat the impossible and just answer them. The source of all my troubles were of course like almost every other story out there... love. Such an intense and twisted love in fact that it was too much for one person to handle. It spilled over and entwined not two but three hearts as if our emotions were in a monsoon season. It was just like a midsummer night's dream, although there was nothing funny about our situation and there were no beautiful faeries to lust after. Sometimes I like to think about if Shakespeare knew that he was a psychic. See there's an obvious issue with being in love with two men when they love you back... There's TWO of them. It's completely unfair no matter how often one may have butchered his chances for full attention. The worst part of this unsettling love triangle is the fact that I loved two brothers, quite identical. Twins in fact, but they were two totally different people all together. I want you to understand why all this is happening, but you need to bear with me if you're willing to know the whole story. Before calling me a whore, or a slut or whatever it might be, just understand where this is all coming from. It won't be a simple thing to explain but, it might at least be interesting. If I could just remember where all of this started.

7 months prior.

I honestly think I can say this is the single worse outing I've ever experienced in the short time I've even had a love life. I stared at my date from across the wood bench that served as a table. I assumed that the glossy finish over the oak that used to be a tree was supposed to look well nice. Though, it made for uncomfortable seating with the roughly sanded knots and an unevenness that gave one the illusion of sliding out of their chair onto the dirty ground with peanut shells ground into the carpet by traffic of waiters. I couldn't hear him talking. Well I couldn't hear the words that he was saying. It was more of a low subtle humming in my ears that perfectly matched his lip movement that were a split second away from turning into a blur. I was sure he hadn't much more important to say since the most friendly he got tonight was in his car when he decided we didn't really need to go see a movie. He lost that one quickly. But here I am stuck with him to please my father who thought he'd be suitable for a upper-class teenager like myself. Dead wrong. My chicken salad sat in front of me untouched. The creamy french dressing in a small plastic container on the side just as sound as any of it's partners on the oval dim pearl coloured plate. I figured since he suggested I be an acceptable girl and order a salad instead of the steak that I was eyeing I might as well not eat and please him extra since that was "my goal of the night" so to speak. Besides the nausea in my gut was persistent tonight and I didn't feel like coaxing it into progressing to something far worse and more embarrassing. I shouldn't have expected much else of my father. He was a privileged white,--well he was white before he layed out in the "sun" for what looked like hours on end and turned into beef jerky.
Spiky yellow and clearly bleached unnatural hair, messily gelled into inch long spikes. Disgustingly perfect white teeth and equally disturbing body build. I was just wondering how many hours he spent in the gym trying to burst out of his pink polo that looked so tight he might have owned it from such a young age as when I learned to ride a bike without training wheels when something triggered my consciousness.
"So it turns out, I had something called mono sudo's avenge..."
"You mean Montezuma's revenge?" I didn't mean to speak but my subconscious bid me speak. I had studied the horrible European invasion for my last term paper. Infatuated with the irony in this disease. He took a bear of a bite out of his burger, and didn't bother to hardly even chew his food before he spoke next.
"Um, I'm pretty sure that's what I said... Anyway...." More humming. I sighed and let him continue his pointless rant. Just about another 20 minutes of this and I'd be back home. Comfortable and telling my few friends what a terrible experience this memory to be was. I wasn't exactly watching when it happened but I assumed he threw his burger onto his plate so vigorously that it shook the table. But all I know was that my coca-cola had toppled over and the thick stream was careening toward the edge and then spilled directly onto my unsuspecting lap. I flung myself away from the table and stood up as quickly as I possible could rather flabbergasted. He just chuckled a little, more than half a bite still lingered in his mouth. I tried brushing of the liquid as best as possible.
"HAHAH, you look ridiculous!"
"I bet you'd look ridiculous if I took what's left of your drink and..." I couldn't' help but mutter to myself.
"Hey, you should be thankful! I took you to a wonderful movie and a romantic restaurant, and I haven't gotten anything in return all night long except having to keep a conversation going with you. How about some appreciation girly?!"
"G-GIRLY!?! Listen here and listen good. Although you may not care, nice, respectable girls who still have a shred of humanity do not put out when just meeting a guy after the first five minutes of being together. Not even after, a horrible movie I had to buy a ticket to and some "romantic" restaurant outing. Being a girl who also respects herself I am NOT going home with you tonight but will in fact be taken home by curfew if you don't mind."
"Well, if that's really how you feel. Then I guess I'll be on my way...."
"What do you mean? You still have yet to drive me home... It's extremely ruthless to deny your date a ride back home. My father will be livid!"
"Well perhaps.... it's rude not to give thanks to such a nice guy such as myself."
And at that he walked away angrily. He drove off before I really even had a chance to absorb how upset I really was. I can't beleive someone can be so obnoxious! The waiter came over nervously.
"Um, I'm sure this is a terrible time... but the bill still hasn't been paid." You could tell he felt terrible about it so I held back the loud rant that was building up inside of me. His name tag said bill in sharpie, his messy handwriting in the four letters were so large they dominated the mandatory item.
"Well Bill, that's quite alright. After all of that I'm not too concerned with paying a little extra money." He looked extremely relived and I handed him my cash reluctantly. We gave each other weak smiles and he scurried off. I sighed and walked out of the restaurant where animals heads were dressed in scarves and hats scrutinizingly.

Did you know that lions fuck 50 times a day? Ballin.

This is part three to adore...

{(Adore pt. 3)}

..."Laura? Are you still awake?"

I lifted my head up, rather startled that there was a voice in my room other than my own at such a late time. I looked toward the doorway and saw a small scared looking girl with bright red and yellow hair.

"Hayley... Are you okay?"

"Um, I'm sorry but everone is already asleep and I really need to go now, and I didn't exactly know what to do and I don't have my lisence with me and I though tha...."

"Hayley, calm down, just breathe a sec. Whats the matter? You need to go where?" She made me really nervous the way she was talking so fast. She seemed really upset and there was fear in her eyes.

"I just, can you take me to the hospitol please?"

"The hospitol! Are you cut?! What happened?" I didn't realize at first that I was shouting a little loudly. Understandable because that's pretty startling unsetteling news ya know. I jumped outta bed and hurried her out of the room checking for any visible cuts on her trying to figure out what happened on the way. I grabbed the car keys off the hook and practically ran out the door with Hayley. We slammed the car shut and the wheels were in motion before either of us were tightly secure in our seats.

"Laura, slow down a little bit, ya don't wanna make it worse."

I let off the gas so that I was only speeding a few miles per hour over the speed limit. I kept glancing at her past my right shoulder trying to read her face. She was so tiny in even the small seats of my beatle. She looked like a toddler who had done something wrong and was now sitting in the corner, thinking about what they did. Her pasty sillhouette was just noticeable by the ocasional street lights flooding the car with beams of a sickly yellow.

"Ya know, you still haven't told me why we're going the ER at 2:30 in the morning."

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want to wake anybody and cause them troub-"

"Hayley, if you're hurt you can deffinately wake people up so they can take you to the hospitol. People do care about you, I'm sure they woudln't mind making sure you're okay. What even are you hurt from."

We slowly stopped to wait at a red light and I turned a bit to face her in the car. She was staring at the glove compartment, probably wondering whether or not she should tell me what the big dilema was. I stared her down and she looked me in the eyes and sighed admitting defeat. There was no way she was just gonna hide it anyway.

"I started... bleeding a little bit."

I leaned back. You're kidding me.

"Hayley, you're a girl that sorta thing hap-"

"But I'm pregnant."

I looked back at the road and concentrated on my solitude night driving. Gripping the steering wheel a little bit tighter than necessary. Neither of us said anything for the rest of the drive there. We both sat in akward, heavy silence until the car came to it's final destination. I turned back the key and slid it out of the ignition. Still not saying anything to one another we opened our doors and quickly walked through the rotating door of the ER. I looked at Hayley for the first time since she told me what was wrong. She had a few tear streaks glistening off of her cheekbones. I held her hand and she jumped. She looked at me and gave a weak smile of appreciation. At the moment it was all I could do to comfort her. We sorted out all of the minor paperwork and

88

88:>)

88

{(Reunited with Tucker.... I'm glad he still loves me.)}

Great. Laura and I are already talking about prom and now it won't get off of my mind. Why, would we do this to ourselves. Girls suuuuuuuuck. Anywayyy. Just got back from my sisters again. I've almost spent about a week there. Just stayed an extra day so I could babysit Kaden for an hour and because we went out to eat at a place called Emo's for my grandma's birthday. :) very tasty. Although they decided to give me steak instead of tofu. Silly people, I'm a vegetarian. Steak is meat. Over the weekend Laura my family and I stayed at my grandparents lakehouse. Even though the weahter was really rainy and was pretty cold for august we still had a buncy of fun. Laura and I have a new thing to add to our list of sleeping a different place everytime she sleeps over. Besides the obvious at the lake house, we slept on a trampoline. Wait, not done. It was a water trampoline... Hold on, not only was it a trampoline in the middle of a lake, it was also 2am in the morning and about 56 degrees. We cray cray. We took way too many videos of course as well as photos. We act like we're famous and people care what we're doing, but the truth is that no one really cares. So riddle me this. What becomes of 1,000's of photos and videos by two girls no one knows. The answer is nothing. I'm deciding not to rant about fame and nobodies. It'll be neverending like the stories. Yepp, it's a refference. So school starts in 7 days. Really really, not ready to go back. Physically or emotionally. I decided to try and get a job in the winter and a few weeks in the begining of summer to get some mulah. That way I can get my grades to all A's and B's so that when I work I won't fail my ass out of High School. What What! Oh my, almost forgot to tell you I had really perplexing dreams last night. Like freaking always, I was at a paramore concert with Laura. And they fucking hated me. Like pure hate. Well actually just Hayley and Jeremy hated me.

It kinda started with Laura and I way in back, just like at the actual concert but it was at the small planet. Can't see anything and trying to take way too many pictures and videos... Then a whole bunch of people cleared out. I have no idea why but they did. So of course We ran straight up to the front. Then Hayley was like, "Steafene, why are you up here?" And some dude pushed me, so I pushed him back really hard and yelled at him a bit. Then she turned to me and was all pissy and was telling me not to push people and even though he was a douche too I didn't need to be a bitch. She rolled her eyes and then said something to Josh and they started playing Misery Business. So then I lifted up my camera to take a couple photos but she looked at me and pointed to my camera and shook her head. So I agreed not wanting to further piss her off. She never came over to our side of the stage after that. Then we moved to stage left in front of Josh even though he usually plays on stage right... Zac was really really close to the edge of the stage and it was his 14 yr old version. So we chilled watching him for a bit and ignored Hayley's hate. Then Josh randomly lit a cigarette and was blowing the smoke in everone's faces. For some reason I found it really really attractive. For some reason I guess I couldn't talk that much, so I pointed to his cigarette and then to my mouth cause I wanted it. Again, idky. Anyway, he looked at me and was like, "What are you looking for?" Then he go superdy duper close and I could hear his voice, very clearly. I feel like I actually spoke to him. Next thing, he was shoving his lip ring in my face with his eyes closed. Even in my dreams I contemplate things. Lol. I was just gonna kiss his cheek and be polite and not a band slut but I full out kissed him instead... for a while... And after I saw Hayley staring at me with her mouth open and you could tell she was pissed. That made me sad, but oh well..... And even in my sleep I was thinkin, man. Wait till I tell Laura. Apparently she wasn't next to me anymore I guess. Weird eh?

So, this week I'm going shopping with my mommy on her day off work. Gonna get some hair dye cause I know what I'm doing with my hair now finally. Also, I really need a bunch of school stuff. Mainly the essentials like some pencils, and a backpack lol. Maybe we can stop at the better health store as well, get some tofu and some marshmallows without geletin to make some of my beloved fondant. I'm excited to make a really pretty cake. It's so easy to make. :) Ok, well I've got to go day dream. Blog later :))